Things I need to change about me...

A few things were brought to my attention this weekend, all due to the fact that I ended up with another migraine!

1. I have to stop doing so much for everyone else. I tend to put myself last feeling guilty if I don't help others out. I have to put my needs first. Because I don't, I let my stuff pile up, I start to stress that there is too much to do and I end up with a migraine.

2. I have a mothering complex. I have this need to ensure that everyone else is ok. Many of these people never recriprocate making me feel bad when I need help and no one is around for me. Ok, not everyone, I have a few people in my life that are dear to me, but have learned that only those who really love you will be there for you.

3. I need to become selfish. This is a hard one for me. I grew up not being allowed to be selfish. Being the oldest I was expected to be a martry. If I want to succeed that has to stop!

4. I need to put my foot down and learn how to say 'NO'.

5. I need to come out of my basement! I suck at delegating, but if I want to succeed I have to learn to let go!!!

I am tired of being tired!

the weekend...

what a weekend... I spend 12 hours on Friday putting together our latest zine. sat had a migraine... because of the shift in weather... rained all day sunday.. which was fine because I spent 10 hours putting together a second grant. which has to be in the mail end of this week...
then there is the fact that last week I spent way too much money on clothes...but there were sales... lots of sale...

have 1/2 and alien head left and then the scarf is donesky's

saw a really good thriller from 1967, it was called 'What Until Dark'. it starred audrey hepburn.

has anyone else noticed that hollywood has run out of original idea's... if they aren't doing movies based on video games, they are remaking classics that really didn't need to be remade or rehashing old ideas... unable to clone joss whedon, new blood is needed and I am about to do something about it!!!

bytch...

i bytch therefore I am!!!

I took tomorrow off so I could have a three day weekend to get the 'we are the bytches' zine done!!!!!!!!!!!! am a we bit behind!!!!!!!!!!

i.. hate.. snow...

feeling quite out of sorts this am... I shouldn't I had dinner with BBtheF and Kat last night. we have a wonderful time, but... this morning... i just can't seem to shake this feeling... i wish i could... then maybe i could sleep.

yesterday i started researching how hard it was to start your own political party... i want a greater voice in our government... well, it isn't that hard actually, running a campaign is expensive... very expensive... am still looking into it though...

woke up to snow again... why do I hate winter so much!

you should be ashamed of yourself canada...

I have never been so disgusted with this country as I am today. The bile that formed in my throat around 10 pm last night is overflowing. Right now you should be ashamed of yourselves. Ashamed that you would allow such a monster as Stephen Harper to be elected as the leader of our country. How dare you! I just thank the Gods that he only has a minority government. Now when he tries to pass bills to take a women's right to chose what to do with her body he needs to have everyone agree, or when he wants to abolish our rights to marry who we chose, no matter what if you are same sex or not, he has to get everyone's vote. Shouldn't you have the right to marry who you love. At this moment that is the only light I see, that he cannot take these freedoms from us at will. But he will try, I guarentee.

Do you realized that right this very second George dubya, is smiling... you have elected a man to be in charge who is pro Bush, both cowboys willing to risk the lives of innocent people to fight wars they have no business being part of. Two rednecks running North America. Way to go Canada! Way to ruin what use to be a decent country. Thank you for putting us back twenty years. That's right by voting for this beast we are about to erase twenty years of progression and freedoms we worked hard for.

Please excuse me while I go and throw up... there will be a lot of that happening for the next year! I just pray that it doesn't take that long for his government to topple!

what kind of country to you want to live in!

today is election day here. as soon as I am done work I will be running to place my vote. I am a bit afraid of what the outcome of this election will mean... Harper scares the hell out of me and if he wins a majority we as women can say good bye to our rights to choose what what to do with our own bodies, not to mention we may be singing the national anthem of the US of A... as Harper appears to be very pro Bush... those two thoughts alone should be enough to ensure you don't vote for him...

the way the polls are currently looking he may actually win... but if he does and only win with a minority he doesn't have a whole lot of power... so vote for who you believe is right, but think long and hard before you vote for him... what kind of country to you want to live in!

oh and check out www.lizzieviolet.com

if only...

... I could sleep, my eyes feel like sandpaper and I am exhausted!!!

I may also be losing my mind...

somethings that you don't know about me:

I don't like to talk to humans... really I don't, I prefer my dogs or other animals...If I don't know you, I would rather email you than actually have to talk in person.
I am uncomfortable when being given compliments, it embarrasses me.
I cannot stand know it alls!!! No one knows everything.
I don't like being bumped into, main reason I hate malls.
It's actually very hard for me to make new friends, but when I do they last for life.
I don't like talking on the phone.

how lame art thou...

remind me again why jason and the friday the 13th movies were scary... I saw the last half of #3 and the first 20 minutes of the 'final chapter' and could these be any lamer... really... could they... I guess in the early 80's these were considered innovative, but really, I can be scarier... just ask anyone who has had to deal with me before my morning coffee... and why do they always lock themselves in a closet when trying to escape homicidal maniacs... isn't that the last place you should be.. at least he actress in #3 was a good screamer... that was all it had going for it.

Still in a grande bad mood... not sure if it is the weather or not... tried doing rewrites last night, but just couldn't concentrate... instead I downloaded a bunch more mp3's.... the cult, more fiona apple, new order and some other stuff... still cannot find national velvet mp3's...

am also knitting the alien illusion scarf and am on alien head number 3... it is turning out so well I will be doing one for myself... I didn't the skull illusion scarf for v and it didn't turn out as well, the pattern had some problems in it and unfortunately I didn't discover this till it wa almost done....

am also quite proud of myself... put on my sexy high boots this morning and didn't have any trouble with the zipper... 30 day challenge of no junk food, booze, take out and doing yoga for 30 minutes everyday is working out... started on Friday the 13th... started doing yoga daily a week before that though... 20 more pounds to go!!!


I wish..
it was warm enough to take the ferry to the islands and have a picnic
it was warm enough to stroll along harbour front
it was warm enought to walk on the board walk
it was warm enough to have a bbq and sit in my back yard drinking wine with my good friends

is this too much to wish for?

bleech...

...went to bed in a bad mood, woke up is a worse mood... crabby because I am not sleeping again!!! you would think by this point in my life I would be use to the insomnia... but I am not...

...watched the original Friday the 13th last night... I haven't seen it in years...realized just how awful it really was... also can't believe kevin bacon got his start in this movie.. just like johnny depp got his start in Nightmare on Elm street... was worth a good laugh watching it though...

... am surprised hollywood hasn't remade that movie, they seem to be remaking everything else. they have completely run out of original ideas... sad...

national velvet

Having an mp3 player has become a bit of a problem... you see I am now downloading like crazy and can't seem to keep up with the ever grow list of music I want. I have become obsessed with downloading music that I loved when I was a teenager. One group I have been trying to find mp3's for and am having no luck is National Velvet. Does anyone remember them? They were this uber cool Goth rock group from the 80's. I was very intrigued by Maria Del Mar their lead singer. I use to listen to their album over and over again!!! I would love to know what became of them. I know that a few years ago the bassist passed away, but that is all I know. It's too bad they weren't more successful than they were.

The other thing downloading all this music from the 80's had reminded me is that today's music no longer has meaning to it. Sad isn't it. Music now is just noise. What happened to lyrics that mean something. Dark, foreboding and meaningful. I miss trying to find meaning in a song.

am starting to wake up...

so I just realized a couple of things this morning... yoga is amazing!!! I am doing a Rodney Yee DVD every day. Though it is hard and exhausting, it makes me feel good while I am doing it and afterwards. I have finally found the thing I need to help me lose weight and calm my mind. Thing is, since I have started doing yoga all of these weird dreams have started.... so doing the yoga must have released something to bring these subconscience thought to the forefront. I begin to wonder if what else is in store for me!

Happy Friday the 13th! Today is going to be a good day!!!

they just keep getting weirder folks...

I think my blog has turned into my dream journal...


It was night and had snowed alot. Ramon and I were going up a street near our home on the east side of the street, he was walking ahead of me and I was on a snow mobile. The snow mobile was going REALLY slow and I couldnt' figure out how to make it go fast. I finally figure it out when a cop car going the other way stops. I say to myself "shit I am going to get into trouble because I need a license to run this." The cop says " you aren't allowed to drive that without a license. I will be back in 15 minutes with a video that shows the dangers of driving a snowmobile with out one." I say in my head "screw you I am not going to be here in 15 minutes." end of dream...

Other than that... my day do far full of the usually chaos... roofers are doing my roof today so I had to move a bunch of things outside. I orginally thought I was going to be late for work, but actually left on time... two major subway delays did how ever cause me to be 40 minutes late anyway!!!

One more day till Friday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The weirdness continues and no more noise

The weird dreams continue...

I don't know how this dream started exactly, all I know is I went to my grandma betty's place, except it wasn't her place and my gran died over 15 years ago. I walk into her place at first confused because it all looks different. You see it is no long a 3 room house + bathroom, but a luxury apartment with many rooms and bathrooms... which is more than my gran ever had in her life... she raised 14 kids in that tiny little house and having a place as large as the one in my dream was, would be a palace for her. When I get there, I realize she is not there and start looking around as if I was suppose to check up on things. I realize she is on vacation. At one point I walk into a bathroomw here a tub is filling up with water and when I put my hand into pull out the plug, I feel scared not knowing what I will find and then realize the tub is filled with dishes.

Next I walk into a room that should have a computer in it, from a distance it looks like it does but when I come close it is actually a clock radio. As I walk from room to room, I notice that each is filled with lots of stuff, one room has tonnes of pictures on the wall, the other a bedroom is filled with stuffed animals. That last room is a bed room all bright and white.

I wander out and hear a noise that seems to be coming from the bottom of some stairs, as I am about to go down them a small asian lady comes up and says not to worry, she is her neighbour and was asked to keep an eye on the place. I seem ok with that. When I turn around I then see all these people milling around, like you would if you were walking in a shopping mall. I don't seem phased by it. I then decide to leave.

As I am leaving I see a room off to my left, this room is empty. I look into it and one of the walls is blue with an angeled ceiling, a man walks into the room and says, 'so does it look good', I look at him and say 'no, see the paint is coming off and look, up there, there is water damage, this will need to get fixed.'. He agrees and then I leave...

what does this mean
--
and thank the gods for viki, she has lent me her mini discman... I no longer have to listen to the noise of people on the subway in the morning!!!!

--
also started yoga. last nigth I started a rodney yee dvd and my goal is to do it every day and go to actual class at least once a week to make sure I am doing it right. I am not just doing this to lose 25 pounds but for my mental well being as well. plus yoga makes you strong in many ways and teaches you to actually breath!!!

The weirdest dream yet...

I have a very long history of weird dreams... and lots of them... last night was by far the weirdest!!! I dreamt that all of my friends were dropping their cats off to live with me... and no one in my house even noticed that the amount of felines in the house were multiplying hourly... even my oldest step son was fine with all the cats in the house. This is extremely odd as he is asthmatic and seriously allergic to cats. So much so that he can't even be around someone who owns a cat much less be around them...

By the time the cats had all been dropped off there were 7 of them. So my house is now full of 5 people, two dogs and 7 cats.... this is where the weirdness comes in... one of the cats... a white and orange cat with medium long hair.. gets seriously ill and dies.. and there is nothing I can do to stop it... then everyone around me gets all confused and can't understand what is going on... I felt like I was stuck in quick sand and everyone just stood there looking at me sink, that is how I felt when I was trying to save this poor creature...but I couldn't save her/him... then I woke up... what does that mean???

is it just me...

or is everything moving in slow motion today???

and according to tardo... my comments are stupid... so two things someone out there is reading my blog and tardo must be a man...

the sky is falling...

what is with all of these buildings collapsing lately?

I thought having a leaking roof was scary, the thought of the ceiling caving in, but compared to an arena or a hotel, my worries are unfounded.

Starting Sunday... am taking prep classes for Ashtangha yoga... Viki, though she doesn't need prep, is coming along. We are going to do yoga together. We were going to start with hot yoga, but after much thought I think I should start with this and work my way into hot yoga. I know myself and if I jump into the hot yoga and it is too hard I won't keep doing it... baby steps!!!

Does anyone remember the 1984 movie Night of The Comet? For some reason with all the crap going on in the world, I started thinking about it. Imagine being the only survivor after a comet smashed into the planet... it has it's pro's and con's. Being a loner... I wouldn't have issue with it!!!

knitty, knit, knit, knit...

I have been an avid knitter since I was young. I may have been nine when my mother unsuccessfully tried to teach me... I swear I am suppose to be a lefty, because I just couldn't follow what she was doing... she became frustrated and gave up... my Gran Betty was the one who sorta of successfully taught me... she basically said sit across from me and do what I am doing... so I did... and mirrored her... resulting in me knitting a bit backwards...


who cares... it worked... In high school I knitted entire outfits for myself... in college my mitten and scarves... I knitted people gifts... knitted for the heck of it... knit, knit, knit...

The last two years have been crazy busy for me and I haven't really picked the sticks up other than to move them to another location... Late October I decided everyone was getting something knitted for Yule and I started again... I somehow forgot how relaxing it was... 7 scarves later and I am once again addicted. Currently I am knitting the skull illusion scarf for Viki... once my youngest stepson saw it he decided he wanted one to... I am making him the alien illusion one...

so on I knit.. on and on and on... I have even joined a knitting group in my area... I was suppose to go to my first meeting last night but work got in the way... am hoping to get Viki involved as well as she is interested in learning...

I knit... therefore I am...

it's so grey out.... why???

How is it that people are able to sleep while they are on the subway. The lady sitting beside me this morning was snoring! I can never get that comfortable on a subway train.

Am in the process of filling out grants. By the time the first one is ready for the mail it will literally be a manuscript. I am hoping that all my effort will pay off and I will be eligible for some money for my website. After that I have 3 more grants to go. At least quite a bit of the ground work is already done!

Still waiting for quotes for my roof. The way things are going it may be spring before it get's done!!! Am also trying to figure out how to find cash to buy a new iBook... my poor other Power Book is closing in on six years old and can no longer be upgraded. The beauty about mac's is they do last for a very long time. Had this been a PC I would have been replacing it in less than two years!

it's dark outside...

Not that I am a worshipper of the sun... but, will we ever see it again??? I may be turning into a vampire.