tomatoes

Ever have one of those days were you wonder how you make it through the day without physically hurting those around you. I am having that type of day today! For the first time in a very long time, I woke up in a happy mood... happy because by 6 pm tonight I will be the proud owner of a new iBook. I have been waiting two years to get a new mac and today is the day! Then I came into work and in a matter of 30 minutes had pissed off at least 4 people. Record time.

Everyones needs are a priority it seems... everyone but mine!

To top it all off, I am craving tomatoes...

Girls Will Be Girls

...yes they will and in more ways than one. I rarely watch TV, partly because most of my time is dedicated to writing... I have two books to ready for spring so I can bombard publishers with them, and partly because there is NOTHING decent on TV anymore. A few weeks ago, I finally found something worth watching. Something that not only made me proud to be a Torontoian, but excited that four very funny women were starring in their own half hour show on the Comedy Network. It is called Girls Will Be Girls. Their show is four women doing pranks on unsuspecting people (on Tuesdays and Saturdays).

I have to tell you, I have never laughed so hard in all my life. I finally had something decent to watch! Then last night I found out... they have been cancelled. Why? Why would the network cancel such a entertaining, invotive, and women based show???

Between the fact that there is nothing worth watching on TV anymore and the that all the movies coming out now are remakes.... I may cancel my cable and ban mainstream, big budget film. Indie everything for me from now on!!!

Come on big networks and movie studios... give talented women a chance and new ideas a chance!!!

get your freak on...

I've now confirmed the conclusion that my neighbours think I am a freak. Why? Each time I see one of them they make this face. The "OH, God it's her, what do I do, do I turn around and pretend to have forgotten to lock my door. Do I turn around and walk back to my house. Do I smile and hope she doesn't eat me alive??? " You know the look... I got that look again this morning as I walked down my front steps just as a neighbour approached. They stopped dead in their tracks. Not sure what to do. I decided to make them talk to me. I have never seen someone so uncomfortable before in my life.

I am sure you are wondering what it is that I have done to make my neighbours feel that way. I am a nice person, don't get me wrong and anyone who truly knows me will tell you that. Our house looks nice and tidy. The paint isn't even chipping. It's a nice neighbourhood with many elderly people and yuppies with young children....except for us of course... you see I am a creative person, and all of my friends are creative. Writers, artists, musicians... many of them with tattoos, dressed in black and with multiple piercings... and when you see these types of people come and go on a regular basis, well the neighbours don't know what to think... but, rather... they just assume. She has freaks going in her house... means she is a freak... What ever... At least I can hold an interesting conversation.

high tea

Wow, am not sure what happened but I actually was able to watch 20 minutes of TV last night. After putting up the weekly issue of shebytches I decided to call it a night. My sinuses where killing me. I really should have been writing but.... During those twenty minutes I watched a show about living large in London. Seeing this reminded me how much I want to go to there to visit. There are so many places in this world I could go to but London and Scotland always seem to call!!! Watching that show brought back so many memories of the stories I heard from my Grandma Betty.

Growing up my Grandma Betty taught us many of tradition and one of them was High Tea... lucky for me she didn't choose to serve haggis on these occassions! So I have decided it is time for me to go to High Tea. I think the Windsor Arms is the only place in Toronto that does it proper, I will have to find out!

One day I will finally make it to Great Britian, but in the mean time and seeking out ways to full fill my craving here!

frozen...

fingers... frozen... to... keyboard... can't...type...much...

the wind has ruined my hair...

blah, blah, blahhhhhhhhhhhh... it's friday... one would think i would be happy about this... excited even... but am so tired right now i don't... even... care...

GROUNDHOG STEW

I have two words right now... GROUNDHOG STEW... that's right... early spring my ass... oh I can smell the albino groundhog cooking... RIGHT NOW!!!

Rush, Rush, Rush

Why must everyone be in such a rush all the time. This morning a little man decided he needed to rush past everyone, almost knocking me and two others over, in order to get on the train first. It wasn't as if their was only one seat left. There were tonnes, but it seemed so much more important for him to be on the train first...

We all tend to rush to much. When we are kids we rush to be a teenage. As a teenager we rush to be old enough to drink. Then suddently we realize we are turning thirty and then forty. Now, these days we rush for the weekend to come. We rush, rush, rush and then one day you will be laying on your death bed thinking where did all the time go.

Slow down people!!!!!!!!! Our life span is fairly short, enjoy it while you are here.

Happy Crappy VDAY

Happy Crappy VDAY. As you can probably tell from that statement I am not a fan of today. Today retail exploits what use to be a beautiful love story. Anyone really know how Valentines Day really started? You want to know the real history behind it all look here http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/St._Valentine and not it isn't about candy. Just like Halloween isn't about candy or Easter...

The other reason I am not a fan is memories of public school. Now a days on valentines you have to bring a card for everyone, but that wasn't the case when I was a child. Then you only gave valentines to the people you liked. Remember Charlie Brown on valentines day... that was me in a nutshell. I would go to school hopeful that someone, anyone would give me one. I would usually come home with three. Out of a class of 25 that was pretty pitiful. My mother was always anticipating more as well and when I would walk by with my head hung she knew not to talk about it, rather making me my favourite meal, cupcakes and steering my father from the topic. She could see the hurt and knew how to make me feel better. Sometimes when I think back was it mother's instinct or did she suffer the same heart break every Feb 14th when she was a child.

Even to this day no one seems to find it necessary to do anything special for me on this fake 'special day'. I don't get cards, flowers, or letters from secret admirers. Every February 14th is just a normal day for me, which is fine, we celebrate it for all the wrong reasons anyway.

monday.. bloody...monday...

once again it is monday and I find myself sitting in front of my corporate computer at the corporate office I work for. I spend my weekends writing my ass off in hopes of pulling together something significant enough for a publishing company to want to publish. I am tired of waking up exhausted, as I spend every availabe minute of my weekends pursing my dream, never resting enough to feel awake.

each time I walk through the revolving doors to this building my heart sinks. I have a dream and a goal and will get there. I grow impatient though, but this cannot be rushed.

The last two weeks I have realized that regret and grudges are wasted energy and I can no long full fil those emotions. I prefer the bluntness of honesty and the need for respect. The past is the past and there it shall stay.

I woke this morning, more determined than ever. As far as I am concerned doors no longer have hinges and cannot be shut on me.

STOP DRAGGING YOUR FEET...

I am usually a very tolerant person. It takes alot for someone to get on my nerves. Once in a while someone will be an exception and make me want to yell at them and tell them to shut up!!! There is one obnoxious guy at work who is one of those exeptions. That's not what I am bitching about today. Today is about someone who skuffs there feet as they walk. Why must they do that... WHY!!! This is one thing that drives me nuts... for me it is equal to having someone run their nails down a chalk board... or metal rubbing against metal. I cannot stand that sound!!!
Everywhere I go people are walking like that... are their feet so heavy that they cannot pick them up????

PEOPLE PICK UP YOUR FEET WHEN YOU WALK.

nightmares...

Every once in a while I will have these very intense dreams in which I am being chased through the jungle by someone who is trying to kill me. I think it has been a few months since the last one. The man, oddly enough, chasing me in these dreams is 'The Rock' and he is decked out in jungle warfare gear, including a very large fully automatic machine gun. Each time he gets a bit closer to catching me. In this dream I know his only goal is to kill me. There seems to be no reason other than to hunt me down and finish me off.

Last night I saw the white of his eyes. When this happened I sat straight up in bed gasping for air. I swear it felt like I was about to have a heart attack. I know these dreams mean something other than what they originally appear as. It's my subconscience telling me something. The problem is they frighten me due to their intensity. I am also becoming quite frustrated with these cliff hanger dreams, get to the point already!!!

I am working towards a dream and determined to make it happen. I have been working incredibley hard to get there and maybe this dream is the little girl in me showing her fear of failure. But I refuse to fail at this. Maybe in the next dream I will stand up to the Rock and tell him to piss off.... um.. ok.. right... but you know what I mean.

oye

it's not even noon and I have already managed to piss off three people... gonna be a good day!

the evil we know...

...and I thought my Monday was crappy... woke this morning with cramps and sinus headache... a demon as our prime minister, and news of two more shootings... could it be possible that toronto was built on the hell mouth.
oh and if one more person asks me if I watched the super bowl or asks me about survivor!!! I WILL LOSE IT!!!!!!!!

I want my weekend back!!!

what a weekend! friday night was spend preparing for saturday's zine fair... which was a bust... there seemed to be lots of people wandering through the fair, but no one was interested in, well... zines or books or anything that had to do with reading... zine fair people... that's what you should have been there to buy... lesson learned, bring knitted stuff to sell.. the lady at the table across from us has about 15 knitted pieces on her table and had to leave early because she sold out...

... not only was I there for 8 hours... the weather was absolute CRAP.

... sundays weather was just as bad.... but I stayed in a wrote and worked on the grant.... now it's monday again... bleech!

I want my weekend back!!!!!!!

what a waste...

Ever suddenly realize you don't have anything in common with someone. Anything at all. For me this is something of an odd nature as I am always able to find something that I have an interest with almost everyone. At least one thing. This morning after replaying a conversation in my head I realized there is someone out there that I have absolutely nothing in common with. Nothing.

The convesation that started all of this was about what we did on our weekends. My response was my entire three day weekend was spent working on the website print zine, house errand, filling out grants and writing. There wasn't even enough time to get it all done. I spent the entire weekend working on things to help me get to a point where I can fulfill a dream. My answer was brushed aside by this person as they went on and on about how they spent the entire weekend (thats from Friday when they got home from work, till sunday when they went to bed) sitting on a couch watching a dvd box set and they were upset when they had to stop watching to go buy food. This is what this person does pretty much every single weekend.

How do you spend your life like this. Wasting your days watching TV, letting your life pass you by. I spend every available minute working towards my dreams. I don't have the luxury of being able to watch tv for hours on end. My max of TV watching for the week is the hour I get to watch Most Haunted and the occassional movie on scream. It is considered a miracle if I watch more than that. I was actually quite shocked when I had a week that I actually made the time for myself to watch three movies on the scream channel. Even then it wasn't from beginning to end. I just don't have time and cannot seem to wrap my head around those who don't have the drive to better themselves, make their lives more interesting.

The other thing that is starting to bother me as well is this person constantly complains that they have no social life, they don't date or do anything interesting. "That's because you don't leave your couch!!!!!!!!!!!!" They whine and whine and whine and it is starting to get to me. I also have a college friend whose entire goal in life was to get married, own a perfect home, a cat, a dog and 2.5 kids. No career aspirations, nothing. At one point I asked her why she was even going to college, wasn't it a waste of time?

I don't know, maybe I'm the problem. Maybe my Type A personalilty needs to learn how to be lazy and not care so much. Maybe I am actually overdoing it. Who knows, all that I know is I refuse to waste away on a couch!

slow mo...

Ever feel like everything is moving in slow motion. Today is one of those days. Ever since I woke up I have felt I have been fighting my way through jello. My usual 5 minute walk to the subway felt like it took 30. The train ride felt like I was travelling to another country. And everthing I am doing feels like it is taking forever! Why is that? Was there a weird shit in the universe I am not aware of? Have I falled into the Matrix? Why do I feel this way today.

What it may all boil down to is lack of sleep may be causing my sense of reality and my motorskills to be off...

ssssssssssllllllllllllllooooooooooooowwwwwwwww mmmmmmmmmmoooooooooooooooo

I HATE PUBLIC TRANSIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What Fun! NOT!!! Normally it takes me 20 minutes to get from my subway stop to the one near my work, today it took 45 minutes. There was a medical emergency at Yonge and we sat at Pape station because of it for more than 20 minutes. To the point where passengers were getting hostile and one of them start should profanity. I was about to get off out of concern for my safety when the doors closed and we finally began to move. Very.... Very... SLOWLY.. We crept along.

I was very late getting to work!!! I am so fed up with this. Every day there seems to be something. Most mornings I have to let 3 to 4 packed trains go by before I can even get on... I am fed up with our transit system!!! I am considering alternate ways to get to work... possibly even biking or finding someone in my neighbourhood that drives to work, comes down my way and goes to work the same time I do. I don't know how much more of this frustration I can take.
I hate coming to work pissed off!!!!!!!!!!!

I have to find a different way to get to work!!!!!!!!!