this cat has a weird obsession with me.....

Anna's male cat Limey... has this weird obsession with me. It started with him constantly staring at me, jumping up as soon as I am my laptop and insisting on laying across my keyboard. It seems we have progressed from that to him emulating what I'm doing on my key board (ie pushing the enter pad and then looking at me saying ha!), to waking me up at three in the morning.

For the past few weeks, he has become more aggressive. It started with crawling into bed with me in the evening and simply purring and staring at me. Occasionally he would put his bum in my face. About a week and a half ago, he started laying down with me, purring and tapping my face to get my attention. I would rub his belly for a while and then this appeared to satisfy him and he would wander off... Now he does this plus is waking me up at three in the morning.

Limey will start off by loudly purring, staring and slobbering on you. When that doesn't work he will softly touch your face with his paw, rub his face against yours or as he started doing last night, licking my nose. When that doesn't work the tapping on the face gets a bit more aggressive with him flexing his claws. I try so incredibly hard to pretend I am still asleep, but... it doesn't work.. I end up waking up in a fit of giggles. Of course, once this happens I am duty bound to rub his belly for no less than an half hour. After that he falls asleep.

The way I see it... if Limey was a man, he would be a sexoholic. We call him the cat whore.. and lately he has been living up to his name.

A day off from the world...

Today I took a day off from the world... I had a hellish day yesterday...

It started when I got off the bus at Bathurst/Bloor and was once again the victim to the verbal barrage of a homeless man... I wouldn't give him money and as I walked away he started to call me names I haven't heard in a while. Me with my temper lashed back at him. Once again no one standing around did anything... rather stared at the situation as if it was entertainment. Playing in traffic would have been a better risk....

Not sure if there was something in the air...

Work wasn't any better.. people snapping at me for no reason... I'd had enough by lunch time. But being the stubborn one... stuck around till the end of the day.

Mid afternoon the oddities of my day continued. I received an email from someone I haven't heard from in over a year and a half... out of the blue... hey how are you?

Then the nightmares started last night. One of them I vividly remember.... a la Night of the Living Dead. Everyone I know is trapped in a farmhouse... as we are about to be attacked with zombies. I am sitting in corner observing what is going on. The chaos, confusion, tears, fighting. No one is organized and everyone wants to be the boss. Finally I've had enough and stand up and start pushing people over and barking out orders.

YOU find bottles, kerosene and rags
YOU go find weapons and amo
YOU start boarding up the doors and window
YOU do this... YOU do that...

Everyone is standing and staring at me. Then at the top of my lungs I yell NOW!!! Everyone starts to move, doing everything I say. Then a car pulls up as darkness approaches... they are being chased by zombies. No one wants to let them in. I can't let helpless people be killed so I rush out and help them get into the house and to safety... then I wake up.

I have nightmares like this once in a while. They are meant as messages. This one is screaming I need to take back control of my life, start being brave again. Or as Anna put it last night... need to start growing back my mane... somewhere along the line... it got singed...

A Jon Cusack Moment

Last night I watched two Jon Cusack movies, Better off Dead and Grosse Point Blank. I use to have a mad crush on him, but what girl didn't? That's not the point I'm working towards though. It seems that every Jon Cusack movie I watch has a hidden question. And it always seems to be the same one. Jon's character usually falls for someone and he usually has trouble telling that person how he really feels. Then eventually goes over board.

Have you ever completely connected with someone, but you don't say anything, because you aren't sure if the other person has these feelings as well or afraid the answer might not be what you want to hear? It seems that when we feel that type of connection for someone and if there is even a small amount of uncertainty, we become little turtles and hide in our shells.

There is a scene in the movie where Jon is too terrified to do something and is about to take the easy way out, but one of his friends tells him to 'Buck up little buddy, buck up.' Why is it so hard for us to buck up... and so easy to retreat to our shells? The problem is we all sit around waiting for the other person to buck up. Eventually someone has too... what happens when you are impatient, like me. I hate waiting games, hate puzzles, hate not knowing. I start to squirm. Yet am too stubborn to be the one to buck up.

Mental Day

Today I didn't go to work. I had a bit of a rough night. Not sleeping and getting down on myself about a million things. I do that sometimes. I woke up this morning exhausted and knew I needed a day to sit and stay quiet. The quieter I got the more I couldn't quiet my mind. All I could hear was grandma Betty's voice, over and over saying, in her thick scottish accent 'Why do you care what they think. It's not important.' Then laughing her loving, the world is ok laugh. It didn't matter how bad things were, she always had that laugh.

I wish I could laugh right now. I also wish I could give that old broad a hug. I crave the smell of chantilly and cookies. I miss her! If I got into a funk she could always pull me out.

colour me confused....

these last two days have been.... odd... am confused... and now pissed off....

~big changes
~someone did something to me today that was completely disrespectful... the least they could have done was wait till I wasn't around... I don't understand why it was necessary.
~the more that has been happening the more I need to leave this city... nothing is keeping me here... especially after what happened the last two days. if given a good reason I would stay...
~words and actions.... mixed messages...confusion... I don't get the humans....
~I have to start using my head... and not my heart.... and listen to my gut.... I will stay out of trouble that way...
~am tired of being taken advantage of....

What is wrong with the people in this city?

What is wrong with the people in this city?

Really! What the hell is wrong with people. This morning I stopped to help a woman in distress. She was biking along and somehow her shoelace got caught in her pedal and gears... when this happened she wiped out and got tangled up in her bike. At least half a dozen men saw what happened and walked right by her. They looked at her and did NOTHING! Similarily on my birthday I was being harrassed verbally and followed my a homeless man. Twice I had to yell at him to leave me alone or I was calling the cops and NO ONE, asked if I need help. I had to finally go into a coffee shop and was about to call the police when I then got into it with a man in the shop who said to me 'oh by the poor guy a coffee already'. I had it out with him as well. He assumed I was the problem. The people around me looked at me like I was the crazy one. I'm afraid to know what would have happened had he assaulted me. Am sure no one would have helped then either.

I am so tired of the shitty men of this city. The way they treat women is disgusting. I know there are a few good ones out there... but considering how many bad ones!!! And not that men are going to be any less shitty in another city, It is time for my next big change. I need to move out of this city. I've been thinking about it for a while and I think the time is getting near. Nothing is keeping me here. I do have some realestate to sell and some debt to pay off once the sale is complete. And it seems the Gods are sending me messages left right and centre as my job may also become obsolete soon. The time is near for me to make my big break. I am strongly considering either Montreal or New York City. I've had a strong desire to live in both places. As for Montreal, my cousin lives there so I wouldn't be completely on my own. Living in New York would be a dream for me. So once I have all my financial stuff taken care of and after my trip to Scotland, I need to start working on a plan to move in 2008.

As you can tell it's been a rough morning. It has been since I woke this morning. I have something weighing on my that I need to deal with. I need to speak up about something, but am having a hard time. Unless I get angry I can't express what I feel and am having issues with that right now. I know I need to just come out and say what I want to say but to avoid disappointment or possible hurt... I keep it bottled up. I let it eat away at me and put on that 'oh everything is just fine' face. It seems the only person on the face of the earth that get's past that is Anna... She keeps telling me to just do something or say something and get it over with and deal. I think it's time to take the really big leap of faith. Hopefully I land on my feet... and not my ass.