Hey Everyone! The new issue of Shebytches is alive. Please swing on over to www.shebytches.com to check it out. Below is what is hot off the presses!
GUEST WRITER
Oneal Walters - Poetry - Picture of Love, Untitled, Can’t Find Love In Arguing (The Age Begins)
WHAT'S NEW
Carolina's - Bytch Two Journeys - I am about to start two very different journeys; one involves a possible move and the other a four-legged ten-year-old fur ball. Both are going to be tough and likely expensive, but one won't stop the other from happening or vice versa.
Cindyloohoo So long fat girl! - After a lifetime of being overweight (and many years of being "morbidly obese"), I decided last year to get rid of this massive chip on my shoulder (and off my ass) and have gastric bypass surgery. Nine months later and I feel great.
Nancy Drew - "On Living Bravely" - I was at Moonbean Café the other day with a friend whose life is going really well. She just moved out of her parent’s house after living with them for three years while in school for naturopathic medicine. It was a grueling three years.
Heather Wood - I've read this story before - Much as I like to claim that I am only 29, I was actually born in the "Swinging Sixties"—that progressive era when it was perfectly acceptable to fire a woman just for being pregnant.
Pixie Says - Stand Up for Judy Blume -- and, while I have your attention, ask the Japanese government to ban video-game rape simulators - When I was 13, I was hauled up before the headmistress at my school because some of my friends' parents had found them reading my copy of Judy Blume's legendary novel Forever (with the *important* pages dog-eared, of course).
Romy Shiller - People seem to abhor ‘difference’ - I was so mad when Adam Lambert didn’t win American Idol (2009). It is just a TV show but it says a hell of a lot. He wears nail polish, eyeliner, some people say he is gay and he is called by the show a “glam rocker.”
Monday, May 25, 2009
Saturday, May 09, 2009
Video Games, Fantasy and a Call to Feminist Programmers
So my previous post about the Equality Now campaign to ban rape-simulator video games in Japan provoked some discussion on Facebook. One of my friends countered that fantasy is a space that should not be policed: as a feminist, I agree with him, which got me thinking that...
1) the problem is not the rape fantasy per se (OK, it is a problem for me as a rape survivor but whatev), but that it's not really a fantasy, is it? It's a reality: men can and do rape women (and men) every day, all around the world, and it's (almost) socially and legally acceptable. Whether as a weapon of war, or a tool of social control, rape - including child rape - is not some unexplored fantasy but an expression of patriarchy
2) the other problem, then, is that the video game perpetuates the normativisation of rape. Of course, there's no direct connection between playing a game/watching a film and enacting what you've done/seen therein, but all cultural texts do contribute to shaping our understanding of cultural norms.
My friend agreed these points, but argued that censorship wasn't the way to go. I agree, of course: mass sterilisation and/or castration, followed by forcible re-education, would be far preferable.
Kidding! But can you imagine if there were a video game that allowed - nay, encouraged - women to do so? Say, based on the film Baise-Moi, or on Angela Carter's novel The Passion of New Eve. How much fun would that be! How many copies would they sell! Or even a game based on freakin' Thelma and Louise - with the opportunity to rewrite the ending, naturally.
Because that, I guess, is the alternative to censorship, to do what Carter did so brilliantly and re-write, re-vision, re-make in the image of your own fantasy. So this is a call to feminist programmers and hackers out there: given that it was possible to create a patch that stripped Lara Croft and one that simulated hardcore sex in GTF, how about a patch that re-writes RapeLay so that when the male POV character chases one of the sisters, the other (or the mother) stabs him or, in a more realistic and actually more satisfying conclusion, calls the cops and gets him arrested (preferably followed by the player's console getting locked for a day in real life). "Success", ie: winning the game, could be patched as NOT raping the children.
And for those who think this would never fly in the big-bucks gaming world, take heart from this article, headlined: "The naked truth: sex doesn't sell games."
1) the problem is not the rape fantasy per se (OK, it is a problem for me as a rape survivor but whatev), but that it's not really a fantasy, is it? It's a reality: men can and do rape women (and men) every day, all around the world, and it's (almost) socially and legally acceptable. Whether as a weapon of war, or a tool of social control, rape - including child rape - is not some unexplored fantasy but an expression of patriarchy
2) the other problem, then, is that the video game perpetuates the normativisation of rape. Of course, there's no direct connection between playing a game/watching a film and enacting what you've done/seen therein, but all cultural texts do contribute to shaping our understanding of cultural norms.
My friend agreed these points, but argued that censorship wasn't the way to go. I agree, of course: mass sterilisation and/or castration, followed by forcible re-education, would be far preferable.
Kidding! But can you imagine if there were a video game that allowed - nay, encouraged - women to do so? Say, based on the film Baise-Moi, or on Angela Carter's novel The Passion of New Eve. How much fun would that be! How many copies would they sell! Or even a game based on freakin' Thelma and Louise - with the opportunity to rewrite the ending, naturally.
Because that, I guess, is the alternative to censorship, to do what Carter did so brilliantly and re-write, re-vision, re-make in the image of your own fantasy. So this is a call to feminist programmers and hackers out there: given that it was possible to create a patch that stripped Lara Croft and one that simulated hardcore sex in GTF, how about a patch that re-writes RapeLay so that when the male POV character chases one of the sisters, the other (or the mother) stabs him or, in a more realistic and actually more satisfying conclusion, calls the cops and gets him arrested (preferably followed by the player's console getting locked for a day in real life). "Success", ie: winning the game, could be patched as NOT raping the children.
And for those who think this would never fly in the big-bucks gaming world, take heart from this article, headlined: "The naked truth: sex doesn't sell games."
Thursday, May 07, 2009
Stand Up for Judy Blume -- and, while I have your attention, ask the Japanese government to ban video-game rape simulators
When I was 13, I was hauled up before the headmistress at my school because some of my friends' parents had found them reading my copy of Judy Blume's legendary novel Forever (with the *important* pages dog-eared, of course). My mum was called in as well. Events didn't quite transpire as I suspected, however: both my mum and the headmistress, a free-thinking radical and one of my all-time heroes, defended my right to read whatever I wanted, spoke in favour of Blume's socio-sexual education (and support for contraception) and were generally right-on. They did advise me, however, to tell my friends not to get caught.
So Judy B. and freedom of expression, especially around sex and sexuality, have always seemed like natural allies to me. What better way to celebrate the first Mother's Day of the Obama era (that is, under a president who supports women's freedom to choose and the right to sexual health education for all, as witness his appointment of Kathleen Sebelius as Health and Human Services secretary) than with an email shout-out from La Blume via Planned Parenthood, asking supporters to:
As well as a wave of warm, inspired donations to an organisation that is often the ONLY provider of contraception, advice and abortion in certain states in the US, as well as a tireless provider of women's sexual health around the world, the message was followed by a meanspirited backlash totally out of step with this political and social moment. Only desperation could prompt hate mail to a beloved children's author! But PP is taking the threat to freedom of expression seriously, and asking all its allies and supporters (and everyone who thrilled to Are You There God, It's Me, Margaret) to do the same.
You can send Blume a note of support, which is worth it for the thrill of writing to Judy!!! Blume!!!, and show her the support that she showed to all of us as children and adolescents. As PP write:
Please share this with all your friends, family, colleagues, acquaintances, lovers, random people at the grocery store... We need to support our people!
And in more news from the scary side, a fabulous video game called RapeLay. Some strong-stomached activist at Women's Action has documented the game so you don't have to, and also offers details of Japanese law concerning the depiction of sexual violence -- and the need for those laws to change. Campaign action details and model letters are available at the bottom of the article. Equality Now, like Planned Parenthood, are doing difficult work speaking truth to power -- please support them however you can (EN and Joss Whedon have a mutual lovefest going on, if that inspires you to join up!)
So Judy B. and freedom of expression, especially around sex and sexuality, have always seemed like natural allies to me. What better way to celebrate the first Mother's Day of the Obama era (that is, under a president who supports women's freedom to choose and the right to sexual health education for all, as witness his appointment of Kathleen Sebelius as Health and Human Services secretary) than with an email shout-out from La Blume via Planned Parenthood, asking supporters to:
...Say thanks. Say thanks this Mother's Day with a gift that honors her courage by making a donation to Planned Parenthood in her name.The message was full of support for mothering as the hard work it is -- and as a decision not to be undertaken lightly.
As well as a wave of warm, inspired donations to an organisation that is often the ONLY provider of contraception, advice and abortion in certain states in the US, as well as a tireless provider of women's sexual health around the world, the message was followed by a meanspirited backlash totally out of step with this political and social moment. Only desperation could prompt hate mail to a beloved children's author! But PP is taking the threat to freedom of expression seriously, and asking all its allies and supporters (and everyone who thrilled to Are You There God, It's Me, Margaret) to do the same.
You can send Blume a note of support, which is worth it for the thrill of writing to Judy!!! Blume!!!, and show her the support that she showed to all of us as children and adolescents. As PP write:
Judy Blume has done so much for so many of us. The wisdom, compassion, and understanding that shine through her writing have helped countless young people grow up and grow strong.
That's why we were so shocked at the response to her latest act of compassion. When Judy honored Planned Parenthood by writing a special Mother's Day message on our behalf, the reaction from anti-choice extremists was swift and vicious. They flooded her office with harassing phone calls and hate mail, including death threats.
Nobody, absolutely nobody, should be forced to endure these kinds of attacks. Help us make sure that Judy knows that there are millions of us who support her and admire her courage. Fill out the form below to send your note of support to Judy Blume.
Please share this with all your friends, family, colleagues, acquaintances, lovers, random people at the grocery store... We need to support our people!
And in more news from the scary side, a fabulous video game called RapeLay. Some strong-stomached activist at Women's Action has documented the game so you don't have to, and also offers details of Japanese law concerning the depiction of sexual violence -- and the need for those laws to change. Campaign action details and model letters are available at the bottom of the article. Equality Now, like Planned Parenthood, are doing difficult work speaking truth to power -- please support them however you can (EN and Joss Whedon have a mutual lovefest going on, if that inspires you to join up!)
Monday, March 30, 2009
The New issue is up!
We are back from hiatus and will resume publishing the last Monday of every month :)
We are also always looking for new women writers for the site. If you have edge and have something to say, get in touch with us :)
WHAT'S NEW
Pixie Says Worth Less = Worthless
That's not what I believe. Of course. But it's hard not to draw that conclusion from today's newspapers in the UK.
snadzmatazz Today I almost quit.
Viki Ackland Online vs Reality
It is funny how some people have their own personalities online, which appear to be the opposite of their real lives.
We are also always looking for new women writers for the site. If you have edge and have something to say, get in touch with us :)
WHAT'S NEW
Pixie Says Worth Less = Worthless
That's not what I believe. Of course. But it's hard not to draw that conclusion from today's newspapers in the UK.
snadzmatazz Today I almost quit.
Viki Ackland Online vs Reality
It is funny how some people have their own personalities online, which appear to be the opposite of their real lives.
Monday, March 16, 2009
Worth Less = Worthless
That's not what I believe. Of course. But it's hard not to draw that conclusion from today's newspapers in the UK. Skipping over the whole Josef Fritzl case because I can't even think about it without throwing up, let's focus on two main UK stories, back to back in the Guardian:
Rape complaints were not classified as crimes by police
Equal pay is a step too far in recession, says rights body
It's been widely reported in here, and I'm sure it's the same in Canada, that women are being disproportionately affected by the global recession. Women make up the largest percentage of part-time, casual and agency workers, who have the least job security (as well as earning the least and having zero benefits). So rather than recognise the fact and do something to rebalance the economy, the so-called Equalities and Human Rights Commission has had the brilliant insight that this is just not the time to impose equal pay on businesses.
That's right: in a recession, women should nakedly continue to receive less money for equal work. No mention that the extra cash could come off the fat bonuses of the bosses, which is where the biggest inequity lies. The EHRC is doing what governments have long done: making believe that the people threatened by equal rights are men in low-waged jobs who will (the threat runs) see their pay packets cut in order to "compensate" women workers (who stand to lose £360, 000 over a working life, on average, not to mention lower pensions and benefits). Divide and conquer at its nastiest, to stop workers coming together to campaign for each others' rights.
As Amelia Gentlewoman writes, the right to be paid an equal wage has been turned into gender warfare, which shows up some pernicious social values:
That argument from 'nature' is a dangerous slope for lots of reasons, not least because women tend to be subject to it more than men (and non-white people more than white people). It implies that women's work is worth less because it's just "what they do." It's a small leap from there to thinking of women as worthless. And presuming that 'naturally' they're nothing but bodies, fucking machines. Kate Alley writes in her letter to the Guardian that as a passenger in London taxis, she was
It's part of the same cultural blindness that equal pay doesn't exist as a matter of course (despite the fact that, as Kate Pickett and Richard Wilkinson demonstrate in their new book The Spirit Level, equal societies "almost always" do better) and that police treat rape reports as "crime-related incidents." In fact, the police in the UK go so far as to treat the woman making the complaint as a criminal in some cases, harassing her, making accusations about her lifestyle choices. Because getting fucked is just what women do.
It's natural.
Right?
Rape complaints were not classified as crimes by police
Equal pay is a step too far in recession, says rights body
It's been widely reported in here, and I'm sure it's the same in Canada, that women are being disproportionately affected by the global recession. Women make up the largest percentage of part-time, casual and agency workers, who have the least job security (as well as earning the least and having zero benefits). So rather than recognise the fact and do something to rebalance the economy, the so-called Equalities and Human Rights Commission has had the brilliant insight that this is just not the time to impose equal pay on businesses.
That's right: in a recession, women should nakedly continue to receive less money for equal work. No mention that the extra cash could come off the fat bonuses of the bosses, which is where the biggest inequity lies. The EHRC is doing what governments have long done: making believe that the people threatened by equal rights are men in low-waged jobs who will (the threat runs) see their pay packets cut in order to "compensate" women workers (who stand to lose £360, 000 over a working life, on average, not to mention lower pensions and benefits). Divide and conquer at its nastiest, to stop workers coming together to campaign for each others' rights.
As Amelia Gentlewoman writes, the right to be paid an equal wage has been turned into gender warfare, which shows up some pernicious social values:
Anything perceived to be a caring role, looking after children and old people, has always been rewarded less well than the predominantly male jobs, partly because the skills women bring to the work are regarded as innate, rather than qualities they need to be specifically rewarded for. So the three 'C's (cooking, cleaning, caring) are seen as something women do 'naturally', an argument that could surely apply just as doltishly to male soldiers [men 'naturally' want to kill things].
That argument from 'nature' is a dangerous slope for lots of reasons, not least because women tend to be subject to it more than men (and non-white people more than white people). It implies that women's work is worth less because it's just "what they do." It's a small leap from there to thinking of women as worthless. And presuming that 'naturally' they're nothing but bodies, fucking machines. Kate Alley writes in her letter to the Guardian that as a passenger in London taxis, she was
repeatedly told I could pay for fares "in kind", asked how far I could spread my legs - this was a bewilderingly regular question - and so on.I don't think it's a huge leap from women's work is worth less to women are worth nothing but what comes 'naturally'.
It's part of the same cultural blindness that equal pay doesn't exist as a matter of course (despite the fact that, as Kate Pickett and Richard Wilkinson demonstrate in their new book The Spirit Level, equal societies "almost always" do better) and that police treat rape reports as "crime-related incidents." In fact, the police in the UK go so far as to treat the woman making the complaint as a criminal in some cases, harassing her, making accusations about her lifestyle choices. Because getting fucked is just what women do.
It's natural.
Right?
Monday, March 02, 2009
Lipstik Indie March Issue is Alive!
Hey all, the new issue of Lipstik Indie (www.lipstikindie.com) is up and alive! Our featured artist for the the month of March is the all girl band Fidgit!
Also included in the new issue are:
Bands - The Black Atlantic, (reviewed by Viki Ackland)
Books - Reproduce and Revolt edited by Josh MacPhee and Favianna Rodriguez (reviewed by Carolina Smart), Nothing To Lose by Steve Vernon (reviewed by Carolina Smart)
DIY/Indie Online Stores - Pretty Raccon Clothing (reviewed by Laura Roberts)
Graphic Novel - Bad Habits by Cristy C. Road (reviewed by Cathy Petch)
Movies - Dreamscape by Daniel J. Fox (reviewed by Cathy Petch)
Zines - Above Ground Press (reviewed by Devon Jones)
Also included in the new issue are:
Bands - The Black Atlantic, (reviewed by Viki Ackland)
Books - Reproduce and Revolt edited by Josh MacPhee and Favianna Rodriguez (reviewed by Carolina Smart), Nothing To Lose by Steve Vernon (reviewed by Carolina Smart)
DIY/Indie Online Stores - Pretty Raccon Clothing (reviewed by Laura Roberts)
Graphic Novel - Bad Habits by Cristy C. Road (reviewed by Cathy Petch)
Movies - Dreamscape by Daniel J. Fox (reviewed by Cathy Petch)
Zines - Above Ground Press (reviewed by Devon Jones)
Monday, January 26, 2009
January 26, 2009, New issue of Lipstik Indie
Hey all! The new issue of Lipstik Indie is now online and it is the biggest issue yet! www.lipstikindie.com
This months issue's main feature is the Redemption Roadshow by Weston Ochse. Other reviews included in this issue are:
Bands - So Many Wizards
Books - From Clarissa by Mike Page and Night Has Fallen by Shawn Parker
Online Comics - A Softer Wold and Tiny Ghosts
Online Store - Cry Wolf
Music - Curious
We are also welcoming our latest reviewer Laura Roberts and she will be reviewing e-Zines and online stores.
Laura is the author of the sex column "V for Vixen" at Hour.ca, as well as the Editor-in-Chief of Black Heart Magazine (blackheartmagazine.com). She currently lives in Montreal and is at work on her first novel, which may or may not be entitled Blowjobs for the Soul.
This months issue's main feature is the Redemption Roadshow by Weston Ochse. Other reviews included in this issue are:
Bands - So Many Wizards
Books - From Clarissa by Mike Page and Night Has Fallen by Shawn Parker
Online Comics - A Softer Wold and Tiny Ghosts
Online Store - Cry Wolf
Music - Curious
We are also welcoming our latest reviewer Laura Roberts and she will be reviewing e-Zines and online stores.
Laura is the author of the sex column "V for Vixen" at Hour.ca, as well as the Editor-in-Chief of Black Heart Magazine (blackheartmagazine.com). She currently lives in Montreal and is at work on her first novel, which may or may not be entitled Blowjobs for the Soul.
Friday, January 23, 2009
What if Edison gave up?
The last two weeks have been the busiest two weeks I've experienced in a very long time. They have also been the most stressful. You see, I'm a writer, trying to get freelance work to help support myself while writing my books. The last two weeks have been researching, updating and sending out my resume. I made a promise to myself to send a few out every day and I have been. Due to our economy I am worried that I won't find enough work to keep me afloat. Stress has led to depression, depression led to a panic attack.
I keep everything to myself that relates to money matters. Pride never allows me to ask for help, plus in a crunch I always figure out a way. I will this time as well, I know I will. Part of what I've been struggling with is I know I am going to have to start temping to help pay for rent and bills. Temping is brilliant, you work when and where you want, allowing me time to still write at the rate I have been, but pride is keeping me from doing it. This has been stressing me out so much that I recently asked a friend, who is in the industry, if I could talk to him, find out how he got to the place he is now, a published author and editor who does both full time and lives comfortably doing so. It was the best four hours I've spent in a long time.
It just so happens that two years ago my friend was in the same spot I am now. Struggling to make ends me, looking for work, trying to get a book done and depressed as hell. Many of his friends did not understanding his desire and passion to live out his dream and pride so strong he didn't want to take part time jobs to support himself, but worst of all friends continually telling him that he would never succeed as a writer, simply because they didn't. When he finished telling me this, he asked, 'sound familiar?' What he had to say to me didn't end there.
He asked me what I had been doing all year. I told him and though harsh, his words to me were the kick in the ass I needed. He told me that I'm a talented writer, but I'm not trying hard enough. He gave me a list of things to do and words of wisdom on how to succeed. I've written everything he said to me out and pasted it beside my computer. I bolded and capitalized two very important things he said to me. One is at the top of my list, the other at the bottom:
STOP WORRYING ABOUT LETTING OTHERS DOWN, WORRY ABOUT LETTING YOURSELF DOWN
and
EAT, SLEEP, BREATH WHAT YOU WRITE!!! STICK TO YOUR GOALS AND NEVER LET THE NEGATIVE VOICES STOP YOU.
As I said it was a four hour conversation. At first I walked away taking in everything he had said to me and tryed to make sense of it all. Sadly, later in the day, I had someone throw incredibly negative words at me, I came home, had a melt down and then almost threw in the towel. I didn't, because these words kept resonating in my head over and over again. What if Thomas Edison gave up? People told him over and over again that his ideas were foolish, that he was setting himself up for a huge failure and disappointment. What if Edison listened to all those negative naysayers... well, you'd likely still be reading by candle light. Ya, I know, sounds a little extreme, but that man is the reason for many of todays innovations and proof that following ones dreams are not foolish.
Am I hungry enough, determined enough? I am! I've dreamed of this my entire life and in the past have let too many negative, bitter people interfere with my progress. I'm not going to allow that any longer. Today I started from scratch, I have a schedule and list beside me and I'm not only sticking to that, I am sticking to my dreams, naysayers be damned.
I keep everything to myself that relates to money matters. Pride never allows me to ask for help, plus in a crunch I always figure out a way. I will this time as well, I know I will. Part of what I've been struggling with is I know I am going to have to start temping to help pay for rent and bills. Temping is brilliant, you work when and where you want, allowing me time to still write at the rate I have been, but pride is keeping me from doing it. This has been stressing me out so much that I recently asked a friend, who is in the industry, if I could talk to him, find out how he got to the place he is now, a published author and editor who does both full time and lives comfortably doing so. It was the best four hours I've spent in a long time.
It just so happens that two years ago my friend was in the same spot I am now. Struggling to make ends me, looking for work, trying to get a book done and depressed as hell. Many of his friends did not understanding his desire and passion to live out his dream and pride so strong he didn't want to take part time jobs to support himself, but worst of all friends continually telling him that he would never succeed as a writer, simply because they didn't. When he finished telling me this, he asked, 'sound familiar?' What he had to say to me didn't end there.
He asked me what I had been doing all year. I told him and though harsh, his words to me were the kick in the ass I needed. He told me that I'm a talented writer, but I'm not trying hard enough. He gave me a list of things to do and words of wisdom on how to succeed. I've written everything he said to me out and pasted it beside my computer. I bolded and capitalized two very important things he said to me. One is at the top of my list, the other at the bottom:
STOP WORRYING ABOUT LETTING OTHERS DOWN, WORRY ABOUT LETTING YOURSELF DOWN
and
EAT, SLEEP, BREATH WHAT YOU WRITE!!! STICK TO YOUR GOALS AND NEVER LET THE NEGATIVE VOICES STOP YOU.
As I said it was a four hour conversation. At first I walked away taking in everything he had said to me and tryed to make sense of it all. Sadly, later in the day, I had someone throw incredibly negative words at me, I came home, had a melt down and then almost threw in the towel. I didn't, because these words kept resonating in my head over and over again. What if Thomas Edison gave up? People told him over and over again that his ideas were foolish, that he was setting himself up for a huge failure and disappointment. What if Edison listened to all those negative naysayers... well, you'd likely still be reading by candle light. Ya, I know, sounds a little extreme, but that man is the reason for many of todays innovations and proof that following ones dreams are not foolish.
Am I hungry enough, determined enough? I am! I've dreamed of this my entire life and in the past have let too many negative, bitter people interfere with my progress. I'm not going to allow that any longer. Today I started from scratch, I have a schedule and list beside me and I'm not only sticking to that, I am sticking to my dreams, naysayers be damned.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
New issue is alive!!!
The new issue of shebytches.com is up and alive!!!
We are also looking for new writers for the website. If you are interested in writing for an all women run website, please contact me at carolina@shebytches.com.
We are also looking for new writers for the website. If you are interested in writing for an all women run website, please contact me at carolina@shebytches.com.
Saturday, November 15, 2008
No More Suicides
I've written about the RAGE I feel about young people, especially young women, killing themselves before on Shebytches, almost exactly two years ago. Then I was writing about teen chess player Jessie Gilbert, who threw herself to her death from a hotel window, but this time it's personal.
I lost a friend. Perhaps worse, a potential friend, one of those rare, brilliant people who can connect to others in a single conversation, who is honest, open, funny even after years in the corporate world. Who is loved by people who've only emailed with her. Who was full of ideas and plans to make them come about, who believed fiercely in making a difference, and offered amazing support to others who also looked at the world differently.
What I feel is probably too raw to be writing about, but that's what blogging allows. Raw pain. Raw anger. Raw fear -- fear that I could be next, or any one of my friends who has also experienced depression, rejection, financial burdens, physical illness, and an uncaring world that says "Well, that's your problem. Toughen up." Especially if you're female, or queer, or of colour, you've got to be tougher than tough, brighter than bright, take everything they throw at you in your stride.
So I'm angry. Not at my friend, but at all the people (myself included) who didn't break the bounds of propriety and 'civilised' behaviour to help her. Like many people who have experienced depression, she was skilled at managing and disguising it, although this took the form of withdrawing from the world and any contact. But, frankly, who wouldn't? Depression is a badge of shame, especially for a professional adult -- it's characterised as irrational, irresponsible, somehow dirty -- and somehow avoidable. As if exercise/diet/sleep/sense could cancel it out.
I'm angry because I feel that the world has let her down, the world that she was promised if she worked hard (she did), achieved academically and socially, was polite, friendly, a 'good girl', stood up for herself, did everything she was supposed to -- to inherit what? A damaged society where women are still not taken seriously (women in full-time work stand to earn £369,000 less than men in the same jobs, it was reported today, and in part-time work the gap is even bigger). A blinkered society where oppression gets passed around in whispers. Where a male boss with wandering hands is par for the course. Where a writer of colour is told to write something "more Brick Lane" because no-one will read/believe a book about a woman of colour going to Cambridge. Where the US president could use feminism to justify bombing Afghanistan "back to the stone age."
These are some of the things we talked about, in lively tones of setting the world to rights, when we met -- a first conversation that went on for hours and promised several more, as well as book exchanges, movie screenings, gossip... the things that make up a life. It makes me furious that someone so clear-eyed, so talented, so vivid and with so much to offer found nowhere she could reach out for help.
So: no more suicides. What can we do -- as friends, as mothers, daughters, fellow workers? As ourselves, survivors of suicidal attempts or ideations? Where do we start to change the culture around depression? How do we talk about suicide honestly, instead of covering it over in shame? Where is the charity on the scale of breast cancer research that offers acute counselling and care to people struggling with depression?
Some places to start, if you need someone to talk to and have come across this blog. Please, please ask for help:
Samaritans (UK)
Befrienders (Worldwide)
If you're looking for counselling that is sensitive to issues around gender and sexuality, including body image, abuse, sexual identity and transitioning, you can contact:
WCREC (Toronto)
The Pink Practice (London)
I lost a friend. Perhaps worse, a potential friend, one of those rare, brilliant people who can connect to others in a single conversation, who is honest, open, funny even after years in the corporate world. Who is loved by people who've only emailed with her. Who was full of ideas and plans to make them come about, who believed fiercely in making a difference, and offered amazing support to others who also looked at the world differently.
What I feel is probably too raw to be writing about, but that's what blogging allows. Raw pain. Raw anger. Raw fear -- fear that I could be next, or any one of my friends who has also experienced depression, rejection, financial burdens, physical illness, and an uncaring world that says "Well, that's your problem. Toughen up." Especially if you're female, or queer, or of colour, you've got to be tougher than tough, brighter than bright, take everything they throw at you in your stride.
So I'm angry. Not at my friend, but at all the people (myself included) who didn't break the bounds of propriety and 'civilised' behaviour to help her. Like many people who have experienced depression, she was skilled at managing and disguising it, although this took the form of withdrawing from the world and any contact. But, frankly, who wouldn't? Depression is a badge of shame, especially for a professional adult -- it's characterised as irrational, irresponsible, somehow dirty -- and somehow avoidable. As if exercise/diet/sleep/sense could cancel it out.
I'm angry because I feel that the world has let her down, the world that she was promised if she worked hard (she did), achieved academically and socially, was polite, friendly, a 'good girl', stood up for herself, did everything she was supposed to -- to inherit what? A damaged society where women are still not taken seriously (women in full-time work stand to earn £369,000 less than men in the same jobs, it was reported today, and in part-time work the gap is even bigger). A blinkered society where oppression gets passed around in whispers. Where a male boss with wandering hands is par for the course. Where a writer of colour is told to write something "more Brick Lane" because no-one will read/believe a book about a woman of colour going to Cambridge. Where the US president could use feminism to justify bombing Afghanistan "back to the stone age."
These are some of the things we talked about, in lively tones of setting the world to rights, when we met -- a first conversation that went on for hours and promised several more, as well as book exchanges, movie screenings, gossip... the things that make up a life. It makes me furious that someone so clear-eyed, so talented, so vivid and with so much to offer found nowhere she could reach out for help.
So: no more suicides. What can we do -- as friends, as mothers, daughters, fellow workers? As ourselves, survivors of suicidal attempts or ideations? Where do we start to change the culture around depression? How do we talk about suicide honestly, instead of covering it over in shame? Where is the charity on the scale of breast cancer research that offers acute counselling and care to people struggling with depression?
Some places to start, if you need someone to talk to and have come across this blog. Please, please ask for help:
Samaritans (UK)
Befrienders (Worldwide)
If you're looking for counselling that is sensitive to issues around gender and sexuality, including body image, abuse, sexual identity and transitioning, you can contact:
WCREC (Toronto)
The Pink Practice (London)
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Oh my... Oh my...
I have to apologize.. We have sucked at posting lately. I need to make a bigger effort here!!!! So a few updates:
We are now publishing Shebytches every other week. This way you get a larger chunk per issue!!!
I am writing my book of short stories. The nice weather is making it hard to sit still though....
My fav new food blog is Happy Herbivore.
To keep up to date on me... personally and my writing I have my own blog now.
I am in love with Cuba and can't wait to go back. You can see all my pics from my vacation on my facebook.
So there!
We are now publishing Shebytches every other week. This way you get a larger chunk per issue!!!
I am writing my book of short stories. The nice weather is making it hard to sit still though....
My fav new food blog is Happy Herbivore.
To keep up to date on me... personally and my writing I have my own blog now.
I am in love with Cuba and can't wait to go back. You can see all my pics from my vacation on my facebook.
So there!
Wednesday, February 06, 2008
This is bullshit....
My favourite saying lately is either...'this is bullshit' or 'that's bullshit'. I find it works for pretty much every situation I've been in lately. Try it. It seems to make every situation ok. And once you say it... you kinda realized things really aren't that bad.
Generally when most things go wrong in life... it pretty much is bullshit. And once you realized that, things will start to look up again.
I think I might have that put on a tee shirt....
Generally when most things go wrong in life... it pretty much is bullshit. And once you realized that, things will start to look up again.
I think I might have that put on a tee shirt....
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Thursday, November 22, 2007
the addiction begins........
oh gawd! the addiction begins........
last night there was this horrible movie on... a made for TV from the 90's with Kim Delany....... she was a wheelchair bound famous author, whose first book became the obsession of a serial killer........ he was caught..... new book comes out..... new serial killer... yada yada yada....... I actually watched it to the end because I needed to know who did it! What's even worse is the person I was watching it with only started watching 20 minutes before the movie ended and also had to see how it ended...........
Then this morning........ I turned breakfast television on as soon as I got up to 'check the weather'
I'm afraid to go home tonight........... there might be only static and voices calling to me...................
this is going to become a problem... isn't it............
last night there was this horrible movie on... a made for TV from the 90's with Kim Delany....... she was a wheelchair bound famous author, whose first book became the obsession of a serial killer........ he was caught..... new book comes out..... new serial killer... yada yada yada....... I actually watched it to the end because I needed to know who did it! What's even worse is the person I was watching it with only started watching 20 minutes before the movie ended and also had to see how it ended...........
Then this morning........ I turned breakfast television on as soon as I got up to 'check the weather'
I'm afraid to go home tonight........... there might be only static and voices calling to me...................
this is going to become a problem... isn't it............
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Monday, November 19, 2007
Thank you Mr. and Mrs. Simopolous
Mr. and Mrs. Simopolous gave me their extra TV.... you guys are awesome! The Dr. helped me retrieve it from their place... you are beyond awesome!
Now what the hell do I do with it??? I don't have a DVD player yet. I have an old laptop I can use in the meantime to watch DVD's but can't find my video cable. Hopefully I can come up with a solution for that. Then I can at least watch movies. That was the entire point of a TV for me. I don't want cable... the only channel I miss is the Scream Network... but unfortunatetly I can't just order that channel... bah humbug... so.........
I stare at it... no it's not actually on when I do this... but I still stare at it...
Now what the hell do I do with it??? I don't have a DVD player yet. I have an old laptop I can use in the meantime to watch DVD's but can't find my video cable. Hopefully I can come up with a solution for that. Then I can at least watch movies. That was the entire point of a TV for me. I don't want cable... the only channel I miss is the Scream Network... but unfortunatetly I can't just order that channel... bah humbug... so.........
I stare at it... no it's not actually on when I do this... but I still stare at it...
Friday, November 02, 2007
play it again....
I'm fasting again....... the last one was in April. I would have nomally done another one in August but life was nuts....
I am having mad food cravings and am peeing ALOT!!!!!!!! I am thinking about just moving into the bathroom..........
I am having mad food cravings and am peeing ALOT!!!!!!!! I am thinking about just moving into the bathroom..........
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Thursday, October 18, 2007
The next Master Cleanse Fast
hey all, from November 1 to 10 we are going to do our next Master Cleanse and blog about it. If you are interested let us know. We are going to blog over at http://thechurchofthin.blogspot.com/. If you want to join in the group blog for the cleanse email me @ shebytches@gmail.com
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